I Will NOT Succumb to Depression …

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After a fairly good and happy run along the straight and narrow path of being free of depression and anxiety, I hit a blip. Well, the blip hit me actually, in a shovel-on-the-head sort of way.

Perhaps I should have anticipated it, perhaps I became too confident that “I WAS CURED!” and I foolishly took my eye off the ball. The truth of the matter is, that for me, and for whatever reason, this is a long term war and not just a short battle, and never, never can I become complacent about my mental health.

Ahhh but how carefree I have been, how I have been feeling like a “normal” human being. But I’ve not gone to a new yoga class which I know I should do. I’ve been becoming a little ‘antsy and paranoid’ lately and didn’t get to the bottom of it. I even had a couple of glasses of the old vino – well that was a blindingly obvious schoolboy error. God, the shame of admitting it … do as I say, not as I do. Please can you forgive me? Because I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have and I’ve paid for it ..

So it’s been back to basics for the last 48 hours.

In my mind it’s been similar to when the boys were very young and all was going really well. So, I relaxed the rules. I gave them a bit of leeway, a bit of rope (to metaphorically hang myself with later on) and they were allowed to eat choco pops cereal for their breakfast, watch television before doing their homework and not tidy their rooms, and before I knew it … BOOM! I had a couple of tantrumming monsters on my hands, addicted to Scooby Doo and Lego, toy soldiers and the dreaded train tracks not just spilling out of every door, but in fact linking one room to another. I must confess to actually rather liking Scooby Doo but that’s besides the point.

So, I then had to go absolutely back to basics with them, causing upset and trauma to my first world life and remove the chocolate cereal, bad behaviour and Scooby for a few days so that normal service was resumed. And of course, it worked. They, like me are simple creatures, needing routine, structure and boundaries.

And so that is what I have been doing. Treating myself like a child who needs direction. Betty is sulking in the shed, albeit quietly now, and my mood has lifted and I no longer want to hide under the bed with a packet of ginger nuts and a secret cigarette. I have been cycling like a demon, had a bit of beauty therapy yesterday afternoon (actually I now look a bit blotchy which is unfortunate, but it was heaven at the time) and spent an hour in a cycle shop chatting to a very nice young man about tyres. I’m seeing my old Glasgow tennis friends tomorrow and will no doubt be teased again mercilessly about my ‘posh’ accent and how thick I am that I still can’t understand anything they say, but I look forward to it enormously. Exercise, fresh air, no booze, sleep and getting out of the house and talking … and also loving my wonderful friends here – you know who you are.

It’s working, but may this be a lesson to me. I must never become complacent about mental health.

And, if all else fails, a bit of Scooby Doo probably won’t hurt.

Katie xx

Any thoughts? Have you ever had a blip and had to work through it? And how did you do that?

30 thoughts on “I Will NOT Succumb to Depression …”

  1. Wonderful post and I really admire you for your honesty :O) You obviously made some amazing changes in your life and you should be so proud of yourself! Don’t beat yourself up because you did something that we all do from time to time :O) It’s so easy to worry that depression or anxiety are coming back to haunt us when we will feel sad or pissed off but those feelings are normal for everyone, it doesn’t mean you’ve taken a step backwards. If I have a bad day now I try to accept it – cry if I feel like crying and throw something (not at someone I hasten to add) if I feel pissed off and the feelings will change after a day or so and I’ll get back a more positive mindset. The harder you fight against something the worse it gets sometimes. A bad day or even a bad week doesn’t mean failure, it just means you’re human. Be proud not sorry, you have good cause xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That’s so very kind of you. Thank you. Yes, we’re all human you’re right. I think I’ve just learnt that certainly for now, I have to continue to work hard at this and not be fooled into thinking that I’m ‘tickedy boo’ yet. Thanks so much for your lovely words. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is such a reassuring post!! I am so sorry that you’ve hit a blip but your honesty is so wonderfully encouraging to the rest of us that we are not alone…blips will happen and your positive outlook on how to overcome it is what we should all be aspiring to (rather than wallowing in ginger nuts, however tempting).

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Blips like heartbeats. I can relate to all you said, though kids these days have electronic games more than ‘Ruby Dooby Dooooo!
    Do you ever feel like daily schedules and routines are related to an obsessive desire for control? THAT’S been my problem in convincing myself to stick; my inner voices tease that I’m just not flexible, that I need to roll with the punches and that routine is a weak fixation with trying to control everything.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My problem is that as a child (here we go!) I had no control over my life, it was taken away so I never learnt how to do anything and how to make choices. As I child it was a case of rarely seen and definitely not heard. So when I left home at 16, although I had been boarding from about 10 years old, I went completely off the rails and had no boundaries, no control, no self discipline… nothing except a desire to try everything and anything and be free. The problem was that I learnt bad coping mechanisms on how to cope with just ‘life’. I had no idea of ‘life skills’ … so as an adult I was completely clueless, except to hide my depression extremely well, dump boyfriends ruthlessly and make poor decisions about friends. I’ve gone off piste now, but I totally get where you’re coming from! For me, I’m starting from the bottom rung of the ladder whereby I now CAN have control, but it’s how I use it that I’m trying to work out, if that makes any sense! You might well be right that the routines are a way of me finally taking control, I hadn’t thought about it that way before. Good point therefore!! Xx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I pictured you telling this entire story from a Freudian couch -though, in a rather loud voice with plenty of gestures.
        I admire you so much for coming from those beginnings and going where you have!
        Control and I need to call my tendencies “routine” more than “perfectionism,” and we just might get along.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Ha! Plenty of gestures, yes definitely and the occasional ‘dahling’ with a dismissive wave of one’s hand complete with long cigarette holder!
        I love that … you ‘might get along’! That’s made me laugh xx

        Liked by 2 people

  4. We all fall off our wagons from time to time. The trick, as you beautifully express, is to jump back on it even if that means running after it down a rutted road before you can actually leap. The worst thing to do is to roll over and give up – watching the wagon roll on without you and feeling helpless. So a big bravo to you for doing what you have done – you are one brave cookie and you deserve all the Scooby Snacks (or ginger nuts if you prefer) xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I admire your honesty and candor. It’s definitely hard to notice depression kicking up again before it gets real bad, but even if it’s gotten real bad, we can always start to fight back again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right, sometimes it creeps up with stealth and then whoomph it’s there and it hits with venom and surprise, which of course is the best form of attack. I’m on a mission now and am prepared. Thank you for your kind words. Katie x


  6. Thank you for this, as so often when I read your blog I can relate. My recovery is drink related and I am definitely at the I AM INVINCIBLE stage, which is probably quite a dangerous place to be. Despite feeling so strong, now is probably when the beast would be more likely to get me, simply because I’m not expecting it to! It’s easier to fight an enemy when you are expecting it, isn’t it? Sword drawn, muscles flexed, teeth gritted…. It’s when you’re skipping along without a care in the world that you’d be easy prey, I reckon. What you share here reinforces how important it is to always be aware and never become complacent. Now brush yourself off and get back on track, your blip only shows you’re human. Big hugs to you, lovely lady. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re a superstar … thank you. You’re right, it’s hardest when it creeps up silently, stealthily and unexpectedly. I feel better prepared now and will be more careful and won’t get complacent. You’re going great guns, and I’m full of admiration! You go girl! Katie x


  7. I’m loving this post. Sounds like my life. Just when u feel like a normal human being u let things slip.mhsve that var of choclate forget that morning neditation then here it comes..as u so brilliantly put it…the blip… but it’s great as it steers ua back on the path to better things.. fab post and totally relatable Thank u and have an amazing day xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I think you have read about my “blip” in a recent post. Reading yours was such an echo. The idea that I can’t let myself get complacent, can’t ignore the curative things that I absolutely know help me. I’m finishing my 8th month of sobriety which know helps, but has not been the cure-all. Thanks for your sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

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