Attacking Life, or Running Away

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Photo by Craig Dennis on Pexels.com

Tell me … you have the answers … how do we get past a negative event or series of events?

Do we rely on time to be the healer? Isn’t that what our elders taught us? Or do we need to be thoroughly modern and undertake endless therapy? Or perhaps, is it just a combination of the two?

Either way, we still fail to quieten our over-zealous minds which are ravaged by the repetitive fear that history will repeat itself; and to add insult to injury, we see, hear or smell something daily that re-awakens the memories yet again.

So do we rise to meet the challenge of winning against our own mindset of negativity and fear and take a calculated risk that yes, we may be hurt again, or do we simply run away to protect ourselves?

Do we make ourselves strong again and further develop our life skills in order that should anything happen again we are better able to cope? Or do we hide in fear, creating our own little frightened coping mechanisms; after all, if we don’t take on life and attack it with fiery gusto, then surely it can’t bite back at us and hurt us?

Sometimes I think I have the answers and I am full of strength, optimism and a zest for life, and yet sometimes, just sometimes I want to be rid of the memories, the pain and the fear that my heart and soul will be broken again.

Katie xx

Well? Truthfully, what do you do, and does it change every day depending upon your frame of mind?

42. Is Happiness a Piece Of Cake?

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As time passes, I’m beginning to understand myself better. Seems faintly tragic that it’s taken 48 years, however the more I understand, the easier life becomes. I’ve learnt what to add into my life and what to avoid like the plague. Bit like a cake recipe really … add another egg for more lift and va va voom and less syrup and treacle to make it lethargically stodgy and sink like a stone. Yes, I am indeed, a cake (hopefully chocolate).

I’m discovering the things I like, loathe, need and most definitely don’t need in my life. I’ve also realised that there are some things that I’m hugely sensitive to … but what I’m understanding is that I’m not alone! Thank the Lord … I just thought I was a bit odd. To specify …

  • I loathe loud or sudden noises (sudden and loud and I’ve been known to turn feral) …. Many years ago my children thought it would be highly amusing to jump out at me from hiding in the airing cupboard, resulting in ‘yours truly’ screaming with true gusto, roaring that they were out of The Will and promptly bursting into tears. They’ve never done it again. Poor little buggers …. I had to apologise more than they did. The Colonel also knows that on entering a room he is far better gently singing Ave Maria in soothing tones than announcing his arrival with any form of unanticipated volume.
  • I love bonfires. I could stare into a fire for hours, feeling the heat. For me it’s as soothing as listening to water, but without the consequence of desperately needing a tiddle. (In case that’s just an English thing, it means a wee!). I find it wonderfully calming.
  • In terms of needs, I need to just sometimes remember that I do have to have downtime, me time, time out, whatever you want to call it, but I need to be able to just to take a breath, and check up on myself. To ask myself, “What have I done for my mental health today?” I need a little bit of care and occasionally to treat myself like Dresden China.
  • And as for what I definitely don’t need in my life …. I don’t need bad people. Narcissists, liars and unkind people (who tend to be desperately insecure I’ve found). I did a bit of ‘culling’ of friends on Facebook last year … terribly therapeutic once I’d stopped feeling guilty.

I’m sure that this is fairly simplistic, but in truth, that’s me. Simple. So in summary, I believe that I shall add more fires to my life, have the occasional massage (can I put that down as ‘me time’ or am I pushing this a bit?), wear ear muffs on bonfire night and ditch anyone who isn’t genuinely lovely, gorgeous and reckons that adding a few of these ‘eggs to ones cake’ is not weird, but absolutely necessary.

Kxx

34. No Clean Socks!

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Yesterday something completely new, novel and rather bizarre happened. I certainly don’t want to jump the gun, count my chickens before they’ve hatched or continue spurting any other idioms for that matter, but I’m nervously excited. Little butterflies of trepidation fluttering inside me ….

Please forgive the very basic simplicity of this, but this is the level that I’m at right now! But I am wondering if anyone out there (she ask hopefully) has similar thought processes …

The Situation aka The Fact

No clean socks in the drawer for sport.

Previous/Usual Thought Processes and Actions

Panic and stress, leading to upending all the other drawers in case sports socks have walked by themselves into t-shirt or knicker drawer. Heart racing. Mental beating with large pointy stick whilst berating myself for being so disorganised, utterly unprepared and useless once again. I wonder how The Colonel can possibly want to be married to such a pathetic creature. I have reinforced that no, I am not a domestic goddess however much I’d like to be. Anger followed by despondency kicks in.

Previous solution

Wear previous days sports socks? Noooooo, that’s grim. Can’t stoop that low.

Wear non-sport socks? No, they slip inside my trainers and besides then everyone will know that I’ve not got clean socks to wear and have had to resort to this…. oh the shame (despite the knowledge that others have been seen playing in jeans and espadrilles because they forgot their kit.

Final decision

I won’t go and play tennis today. I’m in such a bad mood anyway that I’ll play badly and this mood is infectious and nobody wants to catch that. Cup of tea and turn on iPad.

Summary

All negative! What a surprise … not.

YESTERDAY!

The Situation aka The Fact

No clean socks in the drawer for sport.

Brand Spanking New/Most Unusual Thought Processes

Ahhh, it’s because I’ve done two lots more tennis this week. Crikey that’s great. Well done me! Metaphorical patting and slapping on the back. Big smiles. Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling a bit chirpy this week? No shit Sherlock …

Instant Solution

See if I have any drying on any radiators around the house, or borrow a pair from The Colonel or wear a pair or two of normal socks and if they’re a bit slidey, well heck, it’s not like I’m playing at Wimbledon! (Snorts of laughter ensue, followed by some serious day dreaming of me on Centre Court looking fabulous in a tanned and blonde sort of way playing the most unbelievable shots leaving Serena Williams looking baffled …) Back to earth …

Final Outcome

Put on two pairs of non-sports socks, patted myself on the back, again, and as I’m leaving the house, find a pair drying on the kitchen radiator. I am a domestic goddess! Think if I’m going to continue playing so much tennis, I might go and buy some more socks … oooh I see a shopping outing in the offing! Yay! Double yay!

I sit quietly in the car. I have never felt this before. This momentary feeling of having no anxiety. The light and relaxed feeling of thinking ‘What does it really matter? It’s just a pair of socks’. Is this the endless CBT that I was so convinced was nonsense and couldn’t possibly work for me, actually beginning to infuse into my brain … Is there some sort of osmosis going on?

This is a new sensation and it’s glorious and I want to hold onto it. I want to hold on to this wonderful, lightness in my mind for longer. Is this how other people think? How utterly, utterly liberating. I don’t want this feeling to leave me. But surely, if it’s happened once, then it can happen again? Can’t it?

One small but impossibly heavy link on the chains that holds me down in my murky sea has just crumbled beneath me and I’m gently moving upwards towards the light. I can see it, I can almost touch it. Please, please don’t let this feeling go.

Kxx

32. Procrastination!

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Is it just laziness?

According to the experts, apparently not.

I’ve researched, googled, contrasted and compared, and the consensus is, that ‘Procrastination is the habit of delaying an important task, usually by focusing on less urgent, more enjoyable, and easier activities instead. It is different from laziness, which is the unwillingness to act’.

Excellent! I am not unwilling to act. I do a multitude of different tasks, (not the one actually required) therefore I am not lazy. I will do anything, from making (yet another) cup of tea, to organising the cleaning products under the kitchen sink (how sad), to having a little chat with Albert the Amaryllis sitting in its little pot on the table. (Even sadder. However I must tell you, looking more glorious by the day, clearly due to our endless chats.) Whilst in the meantime, the main, and only job that I actually need to do remains festering in my mind whipping up increased anxiety, with its friends, stress and guilt following hot on its heels. But apparently this means that I’m not lazy … Phew! The experts have concluded that I’m not bone idle!

To be honest, however, given half a chance, I wouldn’t do all those other little, more enjoyable tasks, but something deep within me prevents me from lying on the sofa with yet another cup of tea and a packet of chocolate biscuits whilst watching endless re-runs of The Graham Norton show. That something is my conscience. Double phew! …. I apparently now have a conscience too. A good start. Perhaps I’m not completely flawed after all.

However in ‘Psychology Today’, procrastination reflects our perennial struggle with self-control. Ahhh now that I know, is one of my failings. Self-control, discipline, lack of good habits and abundance of bad habits is something very close to my heart, as I am becoming increasingly aware that this is the basis of so many of my problems.

What I have found is that the feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety that occur while procrastinating are 100% worse than the actual performance of doing the task in question. The anticipation is so very much worse than the actual event. The problem is not in doing the work, it’s simply starting the work. Once I’m doing it, whoop whoop … it’s a doddle! Once it’s done (and more often than not, without any of the pre-conceived problems that have been building in my head) I feel glorious! I’ve achieved! I’m a super hero! I am Wonder Woman, complete with shield and sword, but minus the dodgy shorts.

Studies show that procrastinators are often perfectionists, as in, they feel that if they can’t do something perfectly, then they back off from the task, rather than not being able to do it ‘with perfection’. At the other end of the scale, (more like me) there are those who don’t have any confidence in their abilities, so that then leads to the task being deserted completely.

Another major cause of procrastination is poor decision-making. If you can’t decide what to do, you’ll likely put off taking action in case you do the wrong thing. (Hello, and welcome to my world). Personally, I’m not good at making decisions. In the past I have made bad ones, which simply goes to reinforce and confirm that I shouldn’t make decisions because I make bad, rotten ones. So simple solution, I put off making the decision hoping that some poor soul will do it for me or I’ll be forced into a decision being made for me which usually has a worse outcome.

We also know that ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and depression are associated with procrastination. Bit of the ‘chicken and egg’ scenario there … which came first, the depression and anxiety, or the procrastination? I don’t know and frankly I don’t think it makes much difference. I just need to end this habit. Because that is what it is. Procrastination is a habit – a deeply ingrained pattern of behaviour that I need to fight daily in order to break it.

So, in real terms, how do I resolve this ‘non lazy’ procrastination problem of mine?

Well I’ve rather taken matters into my own hands and have created a short list of my plan! If however, anyone has any other suggestions, fill your boots … I’d love to hear them!

  1. Make a to-do list each evening for the following day. No more than 5 things and in priority order. It will be simple and short thereby not making it too daunting and scary.
  2. Anything that can be done within minutes of the first morning cup of coffee touching my lips, I shall do. This is pre 8am so it’s ambitious but I do know that getting all the bad stuff done before you’ve had time to start overthinking it, takes the pain out of it. A bit like eating the nasty things on your plate first so that then you can relax and slowly enjoy the best bits.
  3. Do not deviate from The List. Only in extreme circumstances may I do other jobs. Extreme, as in husband needing a lift to Accident and Emergency because he’s hurt himself, and there is blood everywhere, thereby creating another job of clearing up to go on The list. It would be counter-productive not to drive him to hospital. More cleaning and he may suggest divorce. Negative outcome.
  4. Do not find easy little tasks (looking at stats, making more coffee, nattering on the phone (with sister, friends, mother-in-law) until The List is done, crossed off and ripped up and thrown in the bin with flourish and gusto.
  5. When The List is in said bin, have a huge pat on the back, followed by a treat. Chocolate in any form, feet up, blog writing, checking stats, reading, whatever floats my boat at the time. Put simply, a reward.

In time I understand, that ‘praising the good behaviour’ (which is slightly akin to dealing with a small child), will become less necessary as the sheer happiness, relief and delight of having got the jobs done will be enough. I still need however to be treated like a child even on good days, and frankly will never say no to chocolate.

So in answer to my fellow blogger who challenged me to put a Just Do It poster on my wall and incorporate it into my blog, I hope I have exceeded your expectations and gone the extra mile by dedicating a whole morning and a bit, to Procrastination! I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading up on this and coming up with a plan. Of course I haven’t got much else done today, but then again, apparently my to-do list doesn’t need to be written until tonight, so there’s plenty of time ….

😘

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21. Facing Your Fears!

In order to overcome my fears, or perhaps to simply not be seen as a great girls blouse, I have undertaken a few ‘activities’ of late, beginning with being driven around the racetrack circuit at Thruxton for starters.

A nice steady Skoda, or so I thought …. Although this was a while ago, I still recall with horror approaching the bend where the sign very clearly said CORNER, SLOW DOWN, and screaming at the drivers left ear “Dear God, we’re all going to die – didn’t you SEE the sign? There are rules you know, RULES!” before screaming all the more with one arm clinging around his neck, the other hand clutching something solid and handle-like (turns out when I was finally peeled off him, that it was in fact the handbrake).

You see, I don’t do anxiety, stress, high adrenaline levels well. The bewildered look of my 9 year old niece who had sat so calmly during the entire episode in the back of the car spoke volumes. Who was this mad woman and why was her uncle going to marry her?

A trip to the water park, small children running past me shouting with excitement to get to the slide the fastest. This was a family-sized rubber ring, more akin to a small dingy as it held up to six people and children (who have an annoying habit of saying smugly, “I’m only 7 and I can do it”).  Had I not been trying to hold back the nausea, dizziness and complete terror, I’d have kicked them.

My terror was only marginally controlled by the pure glee on my children’s faces that they had got me to do something so totally out of my comfort zone. My fear was causing them such joy! I love them, but …. Bastards!

The fact that there is irritatingly, video footage of me throughout this 20 second period of horror, ending with me lying in the base of said rubber ring in a star-shape, legs akimbo, whimpering, and needing the help of a life-guard to get out, again spoke volumes ….

And finally, how zip-wiring in Cape Town across gorges 150 down whilst clamped to our instructor (rather aptly named ‘Hope’ – did he make that up just for me?) – I am aware that I looked something akin to a monkey clutching onto its mother, except this monkey screamed from one platform to the next, “Dear God, we’re going to die Hope, WE’RE GOING TO DIE!” I sense a bit of a pattern …

There is a scene in Pride and Prejudice where Mrs Bennet refers to her nerves and her long suffering husband calmly says, “Ah yes, they have been my constant companion all these years”, or words to that effect and I do wonder sometimes if the Colonel feels the same ….

Why do I put myself through this and is it time to stop? Have I proven a point and can I now just accept that I feel wobbly and a little tingly-toed when I stand on a chair to change a lightbulb and need a little sit down and a nice cup of tea afterwards?

Or must I continue to face my fears?  At what point is enough, enough?! I do hope that the Colonel has some of the attributes of the long-suffering Mr Bennet, otherwise, we’re in awful trouble…. And no, I will not be sharing the video footage – Darling children, if you dare, you’re out of the will.

I must confess however, that whilst these perhaps extreme tests that I have, with my family’s persuasion, put myself through, have been utterly miserable, I have however discovered that anything marginally less frightening has been an absolute doddle.

I can now do zip-lining and water parks if forced, with slightly less trepidation.  Being driven fast remains tricky but I don’t have white knuckles and can hold a vaguely intelligent conversation whilst driving down the M6 … but perhaps that’s because there are so many roadworks that one is forced to remain at 50mph.

I do know one thing for sure, and that is, that facing one’s enemy, being brave and attacking life with gusto is worth the short-lived pain.  If only to see one’s children laughing happily and even occasionally saying, “Well done Mum! You were awesome!”

Happy Friday everyone out there …. Whatever they may be, let’s all face our fears today!

Kx