44. Sometimes I Just Don’t Like Myself.


There are some things about myself that I genuinely don’t like. Actually I wouldn’t blame anyone else for not liking these traits much either. Does that mean that I’m not a likeable person? I don’t know. In a similar vein, if someone does one bad thing to another, does that make them a bad person? Likewise, I don’t know the answer to that.

But back to the point – The hated trait is my ‘over awareness’. Particularly of other people. I’ve already spoken I think of my over sensitivity so maybe this is much of the same thing.

The fact of the matter is that there is another family here who is irritating me beyond belief. My children don’t seem to have noticed them, and even if the Colonel has, which I doubt, I suspect it’s simply because the mother of said family is (even in my moment of negativity) quite a good looking woman. Foxy is probably how he’d describe her.

The irritating thing is that whilst they’re most probably perfectly lovely, they are just so loud, oblivious, and unaware of everyone else around them. Oh it’s all coming out now isn’t it? My faults and foibles, and there you all were thinking what a nice English lady she appeared to be … well, clearly not and I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry, because you see, I don’t like these horrible traits of mine either. But how on earth do I stop them? How do I ignore people?

Why am I so judgemental? Why does it matter if they have loud conversations across an otherwise silent, yet full room, whilst their iPads and phones fight each other for volume, have their feet up on the tables and chairs and wear their pyjamas in the main sitting room? Why does it matter if the squabbles between themselves are audible for all and sundry to hear? Why does it matter if they wander around in bare feet as though they are at home and then pick at their toes in front of me? Why does it matter that the mother has a continual habit of snorting and coughing up enough phlegm to warrant the opening of a handkerchief factory, but then swallows it with a resounding, “Ahhh!” for all to hear?

Why the heck should any of this matter to me? Why am I such a irritable old fun-sponge? Am I really already a classically grumpy old woman? Yes, I believe I am. I am the female equivalent of Victor Meldrew, the fictional character in the BBC sitcom One Foot in the Grave. Yes, I am indeed Victor’s twin sister and therefore as old (he must be approaching 80 …).

Why can I not just switch off and be immune to it and more importantly, why am I like this?

And therein lies the problem … As a child I was taught that children should be seen and not heard, we should be considerate to everyone, never ‘make a scene’ or unnecessarily draw attention to oneself. We must be kind and polite to all and help little old ladies across the road, even if they don’t want to cross. Manners maketh Man and all that.

(Oh God, she’s just snorted again … and, yup, again, followed by another “Ahhh”. I now want to bludgeon her. Noooo, I must think calm, happy thoughts. Think of fluffy bunnies and arghhhhh! She’s done it again! For God’s sake.)

Frankly (and apologies in advance for the language now), but frankly bollocks to it all. Maybe that’s why I’m such a people pleaser, maybe that’s why I was such a doormat to my first husband. I was living a 1950’s perfect little housewife dream who wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

(Yet more snorting … would it be rude to offer her a handkerchief? But she’s having a FaceTime call with her sister now and the children are all joining in, so I daresay it would be impolite of me to interrupt.)

Maybe I’m actually just jealous … maybe I secretly want to drag and slide my feet with every step across the floor, let my children wipe their noses on their sleeves, and pick at their toes in public. Maybe I secretly long for that laissez faire attitude to life.

So maybe I’m not only over aware, over sensitive, intolerant, judgemental, a rotten skier, but I’m also jealous. Flipping marvellous.

The solution … apart from whining to you all (again, I am sorry … although you’ve probably stopped reading by now anyway), I think the best course of action is either to put on my headphones to block out the sound or alternatively to ditch the headphones, turn up the volume, snort, pick my toes, then my nose and take the philosophy that if you can’t beat them, join them. Think I might be a rebel and do the latter. 😧

Katie x

38 thoughts on “44. Sometimes I Just Don’t Like Myself.”

  1. I’m with you! I’d be closing my eyes, counting to 10 and wishing I could just beat them with a shovel. Yes, we should be considerate of other people and we definitely should not pick our toes in front of them.
    I had a co-worker who would sit next to me and every few seconds he would sigh. Really, deeply, loudly sigh. It made me want to throw my keyboard at him and shout, ‘What?! What?! What is so damn tragic that you have to sit there sighing about it from 8 till 4 every damn day?’
    Or the other one who chomps on her carrots so loudly she sounds like a horse in a field.
    Give me strength!

    Liked by 5 people

      1. If there was a spectrum of 1 – 10 for OCD and 10 was the worst, where would you place yourself? Am I allowed to ask that? You don’t need to answer if that’s too personal – no offence taken … Mine varies a bit but actually am not bad at all … probably only a 3 or 4 at worst thankfully. I think I can understand how debilitating it can be … I wonder where it stems from?? I don’t know enough about it to be honest – I guess because of focusing so much more on anxiety etc … 🧡

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Don’t worry about asking things, I don’t easily misunderstand things and I’m not the type who hurts his butt on every bit and tit. 😀
        Difficult to say, I would think it falls on 6-8. But it has good side: orde! Orde and orde and finding things well.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. A great post that reminded me of my bus journey to work this morning. Why do two people who know each other have to take seats on opposite sides of the bus and bellow their conversation to each other? There was plenty of room for them to sit together. And these were grownups! Don’t even get me started on the groups of noisy schoolkids!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Is my little sister visiting you?! LOL! THAT is why I no longer vacation with my family…I’m the oldest of five and when we (brothers and sisters) get together, we all revert back to our roles as children. My new philosophy for the next half of my life is “if it doesn’t feel good/right I don’t want to do it”. My kids are grown and if the kids want to hang with Aunt Wendy, they know how to behave. I can be the fun aunt, but I will send them packing back to mom in a heartbeat…and my sister right along with them!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Maybe you’re just not a fan of cretins being cretinous in public…? I have a fondness for meritocracy, the belief that the good should rule. It also seems to cover not being appalling in public. *shrug* I guess that could be seen as an evil view–

    Liked by 1 person

  5. If you wish to hire me for a few shekels (OK a single malt would suffice!) I will hurry across and help you bury them in the nearest cess pit. While we are at it we can join in with other people’s overloud phone conversations and cough all over a lift full of cretins!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Victor Meldrew? I dooooon’t believe it! She sure sounds like a classy lady. I wonder if she’s blogging now about the woman she visited who spent all her time furiously typing, stopping only to shoot her daggers every time she tried to alleviate her chest infection 😏

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Am expecting another post like this I just read.  You really make my day reading this one.

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    Peace and Love

    Liked by 2 people

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    Liked by 1 person

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